Gifted children can be difficult to work with, and it takes a special grown-up to fill that role. Over the years, we’ve developed a child-centric, worry-free approach to finding the right mentor. With a little patience and a lot of listening, you can find the right teacher or coach.
We were in an office. Or was it a library?
The girls were with a sitter; that much I remember. I was uncharacteristically alone.
My lap felt empty; my heart felt worse.
Kindergarten parent orientation. I sat next to the women in the Prada shoes, quietly scraping someone’s oatmeal from the hem of my skirt. The teacher stood in front of me, a vision of youth and confidence. I studied her. Sarcasm oozed beneath affability.
I should have run.
I should have flung open the door, flown down the hallway, and stumbled into the courtyard, a frantic, “No thanks” hung on my lips.
But I stayed.
My girl went.
And in the swampy mess of the coming year, we learned two things:
Gifted kids need good mentors, and it takes a child-centric effort to find the right fit.
The Role of Mentors in a Gifted Child’s Life
Giftedness isn’t a gift. It’s more like the ribbon around a package, tying up a host of joys and challenges both relished and rued. In our case, the package held a hefty dose of Twice Exceptionality we had neither prepared for nor anticipated.
Kindergarten was a disaster and I blamed the teacher at first. She was inexperienced and biased, of course. Every meltdown, outburst, and elopement was a direct result of her ineptitude.
Except, it wasn’t. We had an epic mismatch in temperament and expectation. Our headstrong and asynchronous daughter needed flexibility and a gentle hand.
She was met with rigid structure instead.
Creating a child-centric approach
By the time we made our transition to homeschooling, the idea of handing her off to someone else was harrowing.
What if the track coach didn’t understand her?
What if the violin teacher wasn’t flexible?
What if the co-op mentors wouldn’t accommodate her?
My heart built a bomb shelter and hunkered down.
Fortunately, my head made a plan.
Our daughter’s needs, both current and future, came first.
What did she need from a mentor right then? What would she need from a mentor later on? What skills did we want her to develop as a result of the mentor relationship?
I asked my daughter a series of questions:
- Who did she want to be?
- What did she want to become?
- What obstacles stood in her way?
- How did she want to avoid them?
Our kiddo was a first grader at this point, and an introverted one at that. But we used what she did say to augment our own perceptions, then set some objective criteria for the people we would trust with our daughter.
Once we found mentors who met these criteria, we knew it was important to communicate our daughter’s needs – and not just through us as her parents.
Building on the quagmire of our kindergarten experience, we wanted a combination of measured parental involvement and gradual self-advocacy. I had no desire to become the mama bear on steroids I had been once before. It was also important to us as parents (and educators) that our daughter learn to advocate for herself.
We could have sent her off to these activities and situations with a laissez-faire attitude, but what good would that do? Her track coach, her violin teacher and her co-op mentors needed to know her, not in a “here’s what you’re in for” kind of way, but in a manner that highlighted her qualities and safeguarded her needs.
So we met with the coach, the teacher and the mentors. We shared her past experiences, her challenges, and her positive traits. Then we worked together to create an environment where our daughter could monitor herself and her needs, asking for breaks when needed and requesting necessary accommodations. Our daughter took ownership of the relationship while we maintained our parental sanity.
To keep the lines of communication open, we encouraged frequent updates from both sides
The biggest problem we faced with school were the surprises. We’d hear nothing for weeks and assume all was fine, only to be blindsided by a bombshell email or phone call. To prevent this in our daughter’s new mentor relationships, we set up a weekly progress check. Our regular conversations staved off unexpected revelations while our daughter developed emotional independence.
Trust in a child-centered process doesn’t just keep the fear at bay. It encourages growth and relationship skills our children will need as adults. Each new school year brings a transition, one we must prepare for with the approach outlined here. Her recent mentors have brought out the best in her, fostering a sense of self-confidence she might not have developed otherwise.
It isn’t easy to let go. It isn’t easy to loosen our grip. But it beats running headlong for the hills, and I’d say that’s worth it in the end.
Enjoy this post? Read on, and sign up for my gifted/2E parenting newsletter:
That Kid You Think is Annoying? Try Taking a Second Look
Gifted Children Do Exist. Here’s What Happens When We Forget That
We Don’t Need to Rethink Giftedness. We Need to Rethink School.
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Love this! Especially the part where you all worked as a team instead of doing it for her. That shows such respect for her and that’s awesome! I’m taking notes!
“We’d hear nothing for weeks and assume all was fine, only to be blindsided by a bombshell email or phone call.” Oh yes! So horribly familiar. I remember getting the call while on a chairlift, skiing. Our son had been getting on ‘just great!’ at the kids’ club, they’d assured me. Until the call requesting that we come and collect him immediately. What I remember most is my husband’s startled reaction in comparison with my weary agreement (“welcome to my world…”).
I’m loving all these posts; they’re opening my mind to the many facets of mentoring. I’m realising that as well as the mentoring relationships I shared about in my own post, my kids have other, less formal, mentors. Like my son’s endlessly patient piano teacher and the lady who ran my daughter’s Girls Becoming Women group last year.
Yes, anything that keeps us from running for the hills has to be a good thing, right? 🙂
It never ceases to amaze me how much our stories, those of us as gifted/2E parents, are the same. Similar experiences and paths forward.
This was the hardest part for me and you relayed your experience here so well: “Her track coach, her violin teacher and her co-op mentors needed to know her, not in a “here’s what you’re in for” kind of way, but in a manner that highlighted her qualities and safeguarded her needs.”
Mentors, I believe, are our under-sung heroes in our advocacy tool box for our gifted children. Thank you for shining the light on the need for mentors and relaying your experience how to address that need.
“Trust in a child-centered process doesn’t just keep the fear at bay. It encourages growth and relationship skills our children will need as adults. ” That it my favorite part of this post. And it is so true! A very good read, thank you!
Once we adopted a more child-centered approach, or homeschooling clicked into place. Great reminders. <3
This is a great article! I have a 3rd grade gifted son who attends public school. How do you suggest going about finding a mentor? I don’t believe anyone truly gets my child. He is in a gifted cluster classroom. He is quiet and a rule follower. I feel those who are quiet are overlooked and not challenged, etc. He is a perfectionist with everything he is asked to do. The teachers say he sometimes looks ill when they hand out an assignment on a new topic. One of his teachers said she wished he could enjoy the work more. He would love to be home schooled but this isn’t feasible at the moment. I thank you in advance for your insight.
Is he involved in any outside activities? That might be one place to start. You might also look into enrichment opportunities that focus on his interests. I’ve found that, for us, getting our kids involved where there are like-minded people helps a lot.
There are also gifted communities all over the country. You can find camps at the National Association of the Gifted Child’s website; I believe Davidson Gifted also has some programs across the US. You might also look into Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth, as well as the Duke Young Writer’s program (if he’s at all interested in writing).
I hope this helps – let me know if there are further resources you would like.